Reclaiming your life after divorce is a lifelong process from that point.  I know because I'm still doing it.  And I know it's possible and worth the efforts...all the efforts.  Divorce has visited my life more than one time.  I'm at an age now where I can look back and see that my life is a pieced-together quilt - because divorce fractures your life, the blocks of my quilt are of differing fabrics and textures but all are sewn into the blanket that keeps me warm.

There are many branches to the tree of reclaiming your life - not to bring too many metaphors into this conversation.  One branch for me is that I did find a new life companion...something I never dreamed would happen.  We've been married seven years this year and are best friends.  This branch is strong and growing.

Another branch is my career and work life.  I don't know about other women, but divorce not only fractured my personal life, but my work life as well.  I've had to rebuild and actually decide upon a direction.  I discovered that this was a scary area.  Hesitation kept me at bay for awhile and kept me from following my dreams of being a working artist and a writer.  Divorce can scar your psyche as well as your emotions.

However, the miraculous thing I discovered is that the first step towards reclaiming your life is taking the first step.  Just take it and you'll find you are already on the path towards somewhere exciting.

Last month I published my first book.  This was a another of those scary undertakings because the scar tissue of divorce can often be thick and difficult to bend.  Reclaiming self-confidence is a long road...but ultimately one worthy of travel.  My book is a little booklet, a guide really, for home-based business owners.  It's titled, "Beginners Guide for Home-Based Business Owners-Establishing an Initial Presence on the Internet," and is available at Amazon.com.  My brother was amazed that I wrote and published this book.  He asked 'Wow! When did you do this?  How did you do this?'  He knows that stepping into a new realm is always hard for me.  I told him that I just decided to do it.  I took the first step and just kept walking.

Divorce for some can be devastating.  It was for me.  However it doesn't have to mean that your life remains devastated.  Human beings are remarkable creatures.  We have the ability to adapt and bounce back.  And I've learned that women in particular are very strong people.

If you have a dream, a goal you'd like to accomplish, I invite you to consider for a moment this question: what would happen if you took the first step towards it?  How would that feel?  Taking that first step will be the first step on the road to achieving your dream.

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The Holidays are upon us once again and for many of you, this might be the first time around as a new unit, I.E. without your ex.  It’s a difficult time, no doubt about it, and just another step in the transition into a new life after divorce.  If you plan for this season you can make it easier on yourself.

 

Emotions may overwhelm you right now.   Know that you will have major bouts of sadness, anger…whatever.  Go easy on yourself. Take good care of yourself and give yourself as much nurturing as you can muster.  If you had a friend who was in your shoes, how would you treat her?  With love and compassion? I think so.

 

Get in touch with the things that you know lift your mood and stay away from anything that upset or saddens you.  So if trimming the tree with old ornaments makes you sad…don’t.  Go out and get new ones or sit with the kids and make them yourselves.  Again, do things differently now that your life is different.

 

Do the things that make you feel better.  If you had no obligations and no limitations…what activities would you engage in to make yourself happy?  Would you go to the theater?  Spend the day at the museum?  Get a massage and facial?  Go hiking? 

 

Watch out for expectations.  There is so much pressure to have the most wonderful time of your life during the holidays. Unrealistic and unachievable expectations set us up for disappointment and resentment.  Accept the difficulty of this time of year and your loss.

 

SET BOUNDARIES – Explain to your family and friends what you are capable of doing this year, and what you aren’t. Don’t let others guilt you into taking on more than you can handle.  Learn to say no as it will define you.  Also learn to say yes to the things that will make you feel better.

 

Make certain that you do not isolate yourself.  If you are sharing the kids, ensure that you have somewhere to go on the day that the kids are with your ex.  I have in the past even invited myself to a good friend’s home and they welcomed me with open arms.  Remember, everyone is busy during this season and sometimes they just need a friendly reminder.   Get out of the house. Your pain and depression may tempt you to lock yourself away but force yourself to go out even if it’s only for a short time.  Look into a divorce support group in your area.  They help tremendously.

 

Seek Support – Have the phone number of your counselor, clergyperson, life coach, close friend or hotline taped to your phone. Call someone when you are feeling really low.  No one said you had to go it alone. 

 

Cut yourself some slack.  Don’t go crazy this year shopping and cooking and whatever if you can help it.

 

Don’t forget all the stress and depression busters:  exercise, yoga and meditation. These are scientifically proven ways to combat the negative effects of stress on your mind and body.

 

If you can afford it, make plans to get away. I remember a time when I was brand new in NYC and New Year’s was looming like a black cloud. I made last minute plans to go away to a health spa for a few days and it was wonderful.  I met great people and made life long friends. During these tough economic times that might not be an option for you but that does not mean you can’t find an alternative.

 

DON’T numb the pain with drugs or alcohol – Numbing emotional distress with chemicals creates more depression.  Try the stress busters instead.

 

Practice gratitude.  Think of the things in your life that are good and right: health, shelter, food, children, family, friends, pets, a job, freedom, safety, self-esteem, new beginnings and the beauty that surrounds us.

 

Volunteer:  There is nothing like giving back to make you feel better and to show you that there are always those who are so less fortunate than we are.  Head for  a shelter, a soup kitchen, a hospital…whatever.

 

A new year is just around the corner.  Use the New Year as a starting point for a new life.  Begin doing things differently.  Try on new activities.  Engage in new ways.  Stay in action!  It is the small, actionable steps that lead to empowerment and positive change. 

 

This too shall pass.  You will survive the holidays.  Watch out for pity parties…been there and done that!  Remember, it is how you choose to handle the holidays that will have the greatest impact on your experience…just like it is how you choose to handle what life has given you that will make the greatest difference in your life. 

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Sometimes when we have a life-changing event, such as the death of a relationship, we feel lost and rudderless in the aftermath.  We go through all the normal stages of grief and once that is over we look at the future as a vast, uncharted sea.  Where do we go?  How do we get there?

I write about business issues…mostly for small and home-based business, but issues that all businesses face.  I got to thinking about the role of leadership in a business organization and that led me to think that perhaps…just perhaps…we could translate the leadership functions and skills we use in business to our life.  Recovering from the death of a relationship doesn’t have to be just “picking up the pieces” and going on – it can be life-affirming purposeful strides along a clear cut path.

First let’s look at what leadership brings to an organization:

Vision – the leader in the organization holds the dream, protects the dream, polishes the dream and keeps it alive.  Most single person businesses begin with someone who has a dream “of” something: a dream of making a difference; of providing a service or product where a need exists; of giving of their expertise and experience that both would benefit themselves financially but also give to clients and customers.  Without vision, there cannot be direction.  You can’t know where you’re going if you don’t have a destination in mind. 

In our lives, leadership vision can reflect our taking tucked away dreams out of storage and dusting them off.  We have only ourselves to chart a course for now, so why not chart that course to those dreams we’ve kept secret for so long?

Things that spark personal vision could be:

a)       needs: bring in immediate income to meet basic survival needs such as a current mortgage, utilities, food and transportation and health care

b)       wants: enough income so that the work week hours can be scaled back and time with family and friends increased

c)       wants: financial independence so that  freedom of choice becomes the issue…not forced by necessity

Direction –in business the leader sets the direction.  The leadership role of the organization sets the direction by establishing long-range and short-term goals and objectives that will lead to fulfilling the vision.  The leader sets up milestone markers to be celebrated along the way.

You, as leader in your life now, can set the direction you’ll go.  You can set the goals and milestones.  You may have had a long-held dream of getting a college degree.  You now have pulled this dream out of mothballs and can set up objectives to get there: pick a school, figure out what you’ll need in terms of money and how you can coordinate job, income and time.

Thought Leader - the leader is always on a track of continuous improvement, eyes wide open to opportunity.  Businesses go stale because they don’t change when necessary…markets change, customer habits change, technology changes…the leader in the business has to be open to what’s new, willing to make improvements and alter the direction when warranted…always keeping the business in alignment with the Vision.

The traits for a thought leader applied to business also apply to being your own thought leader.  Continuous improvement in our lives is always a positive: health, well-being, and education…all areas of our lives.

 Here are some questions you might ask yourself in a personal strategic planning session:

• Why is “this” dream important to you?  What do you hope to achieve?  Can you, in one sentence, declare the purpose or end result of your stated vision?
• What makes your vision/dream special to you?  What is it about your dream that fires your imagination?   What matters the most to you about your dream?
• Do you have a road map of strategies to get you where you want to go?  Do you know where you want to be this time next year?  Do you have recognized milestones in place that will let you know where you are on the path to your goals?

Taking another leaf from the business book, set up a planning retreat for yourself.  Use this time to dust off your dreams, transform them to a workable vision, and set a workable list of achievable goals and objectives.  Then go for it.  Be the leader of your own life.

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I've heard women who have come out the other side of breast cancer say something like: "I'm a breast cancer survivor."  There is a lot of weight to that word "survivor."  It gives you the idea that something pretty difficult was gone through or endured and that this person now sees daylight and hope and has a day planner into which she is making dates for events and meetings and the stuff of "getting on with her life." 

Well, I'm a divorce survivor.  I've never actually said that previous to this.  And, I've survived three times.  I have the kind of story that reads "...she was left by her husband to fend for herself and her children..." and this was my story three times.  Good grief, you might say.  I'll be truly honest...I didn't feel like a survivor for awhile there.  And, I didn't feel like a survivor until I decided to be one.  That happened literally on a specific day.

After the third marriage dissolved...granted my children were on their own by now...but only just so...I ran.  My parents were managing an apartment complex in Honolulu, Hawaii.  So I went "home."  I was way too old to do so...so I found a job, made a bit of money and found my own place very quickly.  But I only existed for several months.  I had some significant health challenges...stress will do that to you.  I had gained quite a bit of weight...stress will do that to you, too.  And I wasn't 20 years old anymore.  The upshot of that plus the weight meant that I was one of those invisible late-40's women you don't see on the beaches of the world.  Which was fine with me.  I could go anywhere and not worry about anyone bothering me. 

This one afternoon...it was a Saturday...I was standing on the beach at Waikiki amid a mass of tourists and was totally alone.  I looked out at the beautiful ocean.  I thought of my daughters.  And it occurred to me that I wanted to leave them a legacy.  In order to do so, however, I needed to live.  I decided right then and there that I needed to survive.  And not just survive...I needed to thrive.

That decision led to changes.  Changes that appeared slowly but brought about a total change of direction...a sea change as-it-were.  I'm now eleven years past that day, remarried, a grandmother of a 2-year old, friends with my daughters and owner of a home-based business. 

My goal of this post is not to share my story necessarily, but to encourage anyone at that cusp of survival decision to:

• decide to survive
• choose to thrive

Once the choice is made, our minds get busy charting a new course.  It's my experience that divorce is different for women than men.  I have absolutely no science to back that up with; no studies to point to.  Just life experience.  But I do know that you have to choose to survive it.

Step out and be heard in this life.  My emphasis is to encourage women, of any age and any life condition, to do what they want in life.  My younger daughter has the dream to be an actress...she has the talent in spades...but her challenge is a disabling health condition...but she's doing it anyway.  She is finding a way because she decided to do so.

As Terri Matheis says, founder of Sassy Pink Peppers...put on your dancing shoes.  Don't do it quietly, I add.  Find your voice.  Step out and be heard because I'm living proof that if you decide to survive and then decide to thrive, you will.

*I invite readers to visit my business at http://lindamosaic.typepad.com - I also write a blog about small and home-based business at http://intlnat.com 

 

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